


Now I’m Here

by lightsinthefloors



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: After 2x15, Eating Disorder, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Nausea, Post Revelations, Some Fluff, eating disorder and recovery, emetophobia tw, refeeding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:02:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lightsinthefloors/pseuds/lightsinthefloors
Summary: Being kidnapped and tortured took a lot from Spencer Reid, though it gave him something he’d rather not have: an eating disorder
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 8
Kudos: 135





	Now I’m Here

**Author's Note:**

> Just a few disclaimers: one, I know this isn’t the most accurate and most recoveries take longer. For the sake of keeping the story optimistic, I sped it up a bit. Secondly, I know refeeding takes place in a treatment facility. Again, for the sake of the story, that’s different. Please just be nice <3

Spencer Reid has never put himself first. His mother has always been his number one priority, and when she was no longer in his care, it became work. He always wants to be the best he can, and make his team proud. And then he met Derek Morgan. Chocolate thunder, as Penelope would say. There had always been feelings between him and Spencer, but they never acted on it. It was after Tobias Hankel that Derek confessed his feelings, so worried that they had lost Spencer. At first, the younger man was uncharacteristically at loss for words. He just hugged Derek tightly, silently promising that they’d talk about it later. And then did- now two years later, they’ve been dating ever since. The two of them don’t share an apartment, not yet. They both like having their own place, although they do have sleepovers several times a week. Spencer is glad they don’t live together though. He’s too afraid Derek will find out about one of his biggest struggles since he’d been held hostage. Along with drug addiction, which he had over come, one thing lingers still. Well, maybe two- a feeling of self loathing, and that he can’t bring himself to eat more than once a day. 

It didn’t used to be so bad. In the beginning, Spencer had chalked his nonexistent appetite up to leftover anxieties and stress. That could’ve very well been the case, but it only got worse. He started to tell himself that he deserved it. He wasn’t worth as much as anyone else on the team. Spencer is glad it was him. He’s convinced himself that the team thinks the same, and that Derek is only with him for pity. It was shortly after the incident that Spencer found himself staring in the mirror. His body was... awkward. Long and gangly limbs and hair that was just long enough to curl under his ears. Sure he was thin, but weight was the first thing that came to mind when Spencer thought about fixing himself. That he could control. So since then, Spencer has been doing everything he can to look better. Whenever he looks in the mirror, he sees a twisted, unreal version of himself. No matter how hard he tries, it will never be good enough. The first year was a bit more difficult- the team kept watchful eyes on him, so it was hard to get away with skipping meals. The same thing happened when Gideon left. Everyone was too worried for him. Now though, things in Spencer’s life are relatively calm. However, it’s also the perfect opportunity for everything to spiral.  
*  
“Hey, you wanna go out and get dinner tonight?”

Spencer turns around in his chair, smiling up at Derek. “Maybe a movie?”

“Anything you want, pretty boy,” Derek grins, ruffling his hair. 

Spencer pouts, attempting to fix it before going back to his files. He didn’t have time for breakfast, and if he doesn’t have dinner, he will get away with only having a granola bar that day. He isn’t sure why, but he feels oddly proud of himself. Spencer has been trying to eat as little as possible, only the smallest amount necessary, and he has it in a way that it’ll look like he’s eating much more than he did. It’s easy to say that eating early in the morning upsets his stomach, and that he’s too busy for lunch. That way, even if he had no way of getting out of a dinner date with Derek or the team, it’s likely that it will be his only meal for the day. So far no one has suspected anything, and Spencer wants to keep it that way. 

He finishes up his work sooner than everyone, per usual. When there’s no work to do, Spencer unwillingly focuses on how empty his stomach feels, and he decides to hang out with Penelope for a bit before he can clock out. He walks to her cave as she calls it, knocking lightly before coming in and sitting next to her. 

“Hello there, my wonderful little genius. What can I do for you?” Penelope asks, glancing over at him. 

“Nothing, just saying hi. I’m finished with my stuff, I’m not leaving yet though. Figured I’d stop and say hi before I went,” Spencer nods. 

“Oh, you’re to sweet. Any plans tonight?”

Spencer blushes a little, nodding softly. “Morgan and I are going to a movie.”

She all but squeals, turning to face him fully. “Spencer Reid, what are you doing here? Go home and get ready! He usually leaves around 7, and it’s currently 5:38. You’re already finished, so leave!”

He only blushes harder, biting his lip fondly. “It’s been two years but I still get those butterflies you talk about,” he admits softly. 

Spencer had no idea what Penelope meant when she once mentioned butterflies in her stomach. He simply just hadn’t heard the phrase. But after she described it, Spencer decided that it was the feeling he felt when Derek made him nervous, excited, and completely flustered all at once. 

She puts a hand on her heart, cooing softly. “Of course you do. That’s how I know you guys have the realest love there is. And I’m so happy for you,” she smiles sweetly. “Now listen to me. Go get home so you don’t have to rush later, and have an amazing night.”

Spencer can’t help but smile, nodding softly. “Thank you, Garcia. Talk to you later.”

He leaves after that, heading over to Derek’s desk. “Hi, I finished early so I’m gonna head out. Do you want to pick me up at my place when you’re ready?”

“I’ll be there at 7:30,” Derek smiles. “See you in a couple of hours.”

Spencer lets Derek kiss his knuckles before he walks away, and he bids everyone else a goodnight. He heads back home, hearing his empty stomach protest in the quiet car. He’s used to it by now. In the beginning, he strictly only ate three meals a day, nothing extra and all calories were counted for. Then it became two, and now just one if he’s lucky. He was extremely pleased when he had to pull his belt a loop tighter than usual that morning, though he didn’t see the evident weight loss in the mirror. He gets home soon, changing into a sweater. He’s been colder than usual lately. Spencer sets an alarm and curls up in bed, feeling sort of exhausted. He’s noticed that he grows tired quickly as of recently, and deep down, he knows why. He just can’t bring himself to accept it.  
*  
Derek has noticed Spencer dropping weight. He hasn’t said anything though, not wanting to offend Spencer. It could just be stress- Spencer does have a tendency to overwork himself. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t see the way the bags under Spencer’s eyes are darker than usual, or how his cheekbones are becoming more defined as his face starts to hollow. He’s worried for his boyfriend, but is afraid that it’s not his place to say something. Derek tries not to think about the way Spencer suggested a movie and declined dinner as he leaves work a little later, hoping his suspicions are wrong. He stops at home to change before he picks up Spencer, getting in his car after that. He knocks on the door, waiting outside the door longer than he expected. A little worried, Derek finds the spare key and lets himself in. It’s quiet inside, so he makes his way to Spencer’s bedroom, where the young FBI agent is asleep. He sits on the edge of the bed, placing his hand on Spencer’s back. He doesn’t think about how he can easily feel his spine, sighing softly. 

“Spencer? It’s me, you okay?” Derek asks gently, wondering if he isn’t feeling well. 

Spencer stirs, looking up sleepily with a confused hum. “Derek? Oh, I- I’m sorry. I must’ve fell asleep... I was tired so I set an alarm. I guess I slept through it. I-“

Derek shakes his head, rubbing Spencer’s back. “Hey, don’t stress, pretty boy. We can reschedule if you’re feeling under the weather. You don’t get enough sleep anyways.”

“No, no. I feel fine,” Spencer promises, sitting up and reaching for his glasses- at least he’d remembered to take his contacts out. “I just lost track of time. Let’s go so we aren’t late.”

Derek raises an eyebrow, but watches him get up. Spencer seems fine now, so he follows. They get out to the car, hand in hand as the head off to the theater. Spencer’s glad for the warm touch, still feeling chilly. He would be embarrassed for sleeping through his alarm if he didn’t still feel so tired, only hoping he can stay awake for the movie. They arrive soon, and the smell of movie theater popcorn is overwhelming. Spencer hasn’t had any in so long, and he knows he has to be strong enough to deny it now. 

“Do you want any candy or popcorn?” Derek asks, squeezing his hand. 

“No thank you, I ate when I got home,” Spencer lies. “Get some if you want it though. It’s pretty crowded for a weekday, maybe we should find seats soon.”

Spencer talks quickly, hoping that Derek believes him. He didn’t eat since about 11 that morning, and it was still just a small granola bar, enough to give him energy at the time that he needed. Now he just has to make it through the date. They agree on Derek getting popcorn while Spencer finds their seats, and the latter sits down and taps his foot while he waits. He glances around, seeing if anyone has eyes on him. The concession line is long- he’ll have time. Spencer pulls a small notebook and pen out of his messenger bag, messily jotting something down. ‘Granola bar- 100 calories. Coffee, three cups- 180 calories.’ He stuffs the journal back in his bag just in time for Derek to come back, and he smiles up at him as if nothing happened. 

“Hey, angel. I know you said you just ate, but I got you one of those chocolate bars you like so much. I figured you deserved it after the past few weeks we’ve had, busy cases and all,” Derek smiles, sitting next to him. 

Spencer blanches, taking it from him with a weak smile. “Thank you. Maybe I’ll have it later.”

“Oh, come on. Just a little something,” Derek insists. 

Truthfully, he just wants to see Spencer eat something with his own eyes, not just have to trust that Spencer is telling the truth. He watches as Spencer unwraps it with a slow hand, breaking off a piece and taking a bite. He closes his eyes, obviously enjoying the taste. He hasn’t had chocolate in long time. Derek is satisfied with that, putting a hand on Spencer’s thigh as the lights start to dim. Spencer is already mad at himself for giving in, but once he starts, he can’t stop. He finishes rather quickly, only hoping that Derek doesn’t notice he’s already stuffing the wrapper in his pocket. Spencer can feel his stomach turn a little, not prepared for the sudden chocolate ambush after not having any in a long time. He tries to just relax, shifting slightly as he focuses on the movie. It’s hard to do that though, all he can focus on being how heavy the candy sits in his stomach. Spencer feels bloated and over full, even if it was a regular amount of food. He’s not used to it though, and he grips Derek’s arm a bit tighter. 

“What’s wrong?” Derek whispers, glancing over at him. 

“I’m not feeling well. Do you mind if we go? We can stay if you really want,” Spencer asks quietly. 

Derek frowns, knowing not only that something is off, but that it probably had to do with the eating problems he suspects. “We can go. Come on, baby.”

Spencer nods, quietly standing up and slipping out, Derek behind him. He doesn’t say a word as they head back to the car, getting in and wrapping his arms around himself. Derek doesn’t say anything either, not wanting Spencer to feel cornered. He just drives him home, rubbing his knee gently. 

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Derek asks, holding onto his hand. 

“It’s alright... I think maybe dairy has been bothering me lately, and that was all chocolate. I wasn’t thinking. And I haven’t been eating past 7 either most nights. I’m just gonna sleep,” Spencer stammers, squeezing his hand. “I’m sorry we had to leave early. Thank you for everything. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Derek sighs, making sure he gets inside before driving away. 

He doesn’t know what to do. Derek is really worried for Spencer, and he only wants to help. He knows it’s a long shot, but he doesn’t go home, heading to work instead. Derek says a silent thank you when he realizes Hotch’s car is still in the parking lot, and he quietly goes inside. He heads straight for Hotch’s office, knocking on the open door. 

“Morgan, come in. I thought you and Reid were- what’s wrong?” Hotch stops mid sentence when he sees how upset the other man looks, worry washing over him. 

“Hotch, something- something’s wrong with Spencer,” Derek sighs, playing with his hands. 

“How do you mean? Sit down,” Hotch tells him, sliding his papers away. 

Derek sits, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. “He’s not doing well. He hardly eats anymore and he’s lost a lot of weight. Before you say I’m overreacting, I’ve been noticing these things for a long time. He brings salad for lunch instead of sandwiches now, and his belt is buckled on the second to last hole. That’s tighter than he normally wears it. I thought it was stress at first, he always works himself to the ground. But whenever I ask him to come to dinner, he suggests something else instead, like tonight. He said he ate before I picked him up, but he was asleep when I got there. He looks exhausted all the time. He’s pale and I can feel his spine when I hug him. I can count his ribs, Hotch, and that’s when he even lets me touch him in the first place. I don’t know what to do.”

Hotch listens to everything he says, nodding along. “Alright, Morgan. You did the right thing coming to me. You’re not gonna like this but hear me out. I don’t want you to do anything. I don’t want you to accuse him of anything or act any differently. I want you to keep a close eye on him, as will I. If you notice things are getting more out of hand, talk to me. For now, keep asking him on dinner dates. If he declines, insist on rescheduling. Don’t take no for an answer, and I want you with him at lunch to make sure he actually eats it. He’s going to be alright. I’ll make sure of it.”

Derek wants to argue with Hotch, tell him to do more than that. But he knows he’s right. At this point, Spencer will only shut them out, and if for whatever reason they’re wrong, he won’t ever trust them again. He just nods slowly, putting his head in his hands. 

“We left the movie theater early because he didn’t feel good. All he ate was a chocolate bar, Hotch. Even that was too much,” Derek sighs. 

“It’s going to be alright. I need you to stay calm because panicking won’t do anyone any good, understand?” Hotch asks, keeping his voice even. “Go home and get some rest. I promise you I will keep an eye on him.”

Derek nods softly, leaving after a few moments of silence. He hopes he made the right decision coming here. He doesn’t want Spencer to resent him or any of their friends. Derek only wants him to be happy and healthy. Hopefully, with help, they can do that. 

Spencer is laying face down in his bed, scrawling into the notebook. ‘Candy- 210 calories. Total- 490.’ It’s been a good day. Below 500 is a good day for him. He just wishes he didn’t feel so bad. The chocolate really isn’t sitting well in his stomach, and he ends up waiting it out in the bathroom just in case he ends up being sick. He falls asleep in there. It’s a rough night, waking up with bouts of nausea but never actually throwing up. Unfortunately, he’s used to this too- after developing his bad habits, a lot of foods don’t sit well with him anymore. He realizes it’s morning hours later when he can see sunlight from the hall window, and he knows his alarm will be going off soon. Miserably, Spencer crawls back to bed, pulling out his phone and dialing Hotch. 

“Morning, Reid,” Hotch murmurs. From the sound of his voice, he woke up not long ago either. 

“Hi, Hotch,” Spencer whispers, his voice raw from dry heaving. “I don’t think I can come in today. I felt sick all night.”

Hotch immediately thinks of his conversation with Derek last night, and doesn’t press Spencer. “Alright, not a problem. Thank you for letting me know. Call me if you need anything, alright?”

“Yeah,” Spencer nods softly. “Thanks, bye.”

He hangs up with Hotch, curling up under the covers. His back aches from sleeping on the floor and being hunched over the toilet all night, so stretching feels great. Spencer sleeps most of the day, still not feeling good. He doesn’t eat, just staying in bed. However, this time he genuinely doesn’t feel hungry at all. 

Derek isn’t surprised when he’s called into Hotch’s office once he arrives, but is when he’s told Spencer calls out sick. 

“He didn’t tell me,” Derek frowns, immediately wanting to go to Spencer’s apartment. 

“Morgan, he sounded exhausted. He probably called me so I knew he wouldn’t be coming and went right back to sleep. Stay until lunch, if nothing exciting comes up you can leave then,” Hotch reasons. 

“Fine,” Derek sighs. “Thanks.”

He goes back to his desk, sitting down with a huff. He just wants to make sure Spencer is alright, especially after last night. 

“Everything alright?” Emily asks, raising an eyebrow. 

“Yeah, where’s Spence?” JJ hums, looking over at him. 

“Hotch told me he called out sick. He didn’t call me, so I didn’t know,” Derek sighs. “He said I can leave after lunch if we don’t get busy to make sure Spencer’s alright.”

The girls nod, cooing sympathetically over the prospect of Spencer being sick. Derek tries his best to get as much done as possible, wanting to check on Spencer as soon as he can. Luckily for him, nothing urgent comes up, and he can go when they all break for lunch. He lets Hotch know he’s leaving, and heads to Spencer’s apartment. Derek quietly lets himself in, not bothering to knock. He can see Spencer asleep on the couch, clearly not making it too far from his bed. Derek sits with him, stroking Spencer’s hair. The younger man startles a bit at the touch, but settles once he realizes who it is. 

“Derek? Did we have a date?” Spencer slurs, a bit out of it from just waking up. 

“No, baby boy. You stayed home sick, I’m just checking on you,” Derek chuckles softly. “How are you feeling?”

Spencer hums quietly, pressing further into Derek’s lap. “Tired... I think I’m okay. I just couldn’t come in today. I felt like I was gonna be sick all night but never actually did.”

“Poor baby,” Derek frowns, rubbing his back. “Do you want to get back to bed?” 

Spencer nods softly, slowly standing and letting Derek steer him to his room. “I need to change my shirt. I’m too hot.”

Derek helps him, frowning when he can really see how skinny his boyfriend has gotten. His ribs are visible, and his hipbones jut out more than usual. While Spencer has always been thin, his stomach was still relatively soft. Now, he’s far past the point of just skinny. Spencer doesn’t notice him watching, still tired and out of it. He curls up under the covers once he has a fresh shirt on, sighing heavily. Derek lays down next to him, petting Spencer’s hair. 

“Just relax. You’ll feel much better when you wake up,” Derek murmurs, holding Spencer close. 

Spencer just nods, shutting his eyes. It feels good to be the little spoon again- he hasn’t had Derek stay the night in awhile. Normally, he’s too aware of making sure no one notices his weight loss. Now, he’s too touch starved and comfort seeking. He falls asleep shortly, body exhausted from not eating properly and dry heaving so much. Derek just holds him, sad about how frail Spencer feels, and because he clearly doesn’t feel well at all. He promises himself that he’s going to try and get Spencer to eat later, whether the younger man likes it or not. Spencer seems to be out cold, so Derek takes it upon himself to tidy up a bit. He takes the pillows and blanket back out of the bathroom from Spencer’s makeshift bed, adjusts the quilt to be draped over the couch again, and gets some dishes done. A little while later, he makes some soup, having intentions of waking Spencer up shortly. Once it’s finished, he goes back to his boyfriend, stroking his cheek gently. 

“It’s time to wake up, sugar. If you stay asleep you won’t get any rest tonight,” Derek murmurs. 

Spencer groans tiredly, pressing his head against Derek’s hip. “I want to sleep,” he sighs. 

Derek smiles softly, gently poking his nose. “I know. But it’s time to get up. I made soup, let me get it.”

Before Spencer can argue, Derek leaves the room to get some. Spencer frowns, not wanting any even though he does feel hungry. He burrows more under the covers, trying to hide. Derek comes back after just a moment, holding the bowl. 

“Come on, pretty boy. You need energy and this will help.”

Spencer shakes his head. “I don’t want any. I’m not hungry.”

Derek doesn’t take no for an answer, sighing softly. “Spencer, you need to eat, it will help you get better. You’re too skinny as it is.”

Spencer’s back goes rigid at that, and he refuses to look at Derek. “No, please don’t do that. I said no, and you can- you can go home. I don’t need to be babysat anymore. I’m an adult.”

Derek frowns, trying to keep his voice calm. “Well you’re not really acting like one right now. I don’t trust that you’ll take care of yourself if I leave.”

“So you don’t trust me now?” Spencer huffs. 

“We both know that isn’t what I said. If you want me to leave, fine. But you can’t say I didn’t try,” Derek tells him, putting the soup on his dresser and leaving the room. 

He pours the rest of the soup into a container, sticking it in the fridge. He makes a mental note to remind Spencer to do some shopping, the fridge mostly bare. Yeah, adult his ass. As much as Spencer hates to admit it, he needs someone keeping an eye on him. Unfortunately for him, that just puts a spotlight on the problems he doesn’t want anyone to see.  
*  
A week went by and not much changed. Derek tries to be there for his boyfriend, who is becoming thinner and more irritable. He’s done his research- mood swings are common when someone is dealing with an eating disorder. Derek doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but that’s truly what this is. Over the past week, he thinks Spencer has eaten in front of him maybe three times. He always tries to get around it, but when he can’t, the younger man disappears to the bathroom shortly after he finishes. Derek doesn’t know what to do. He can’t go back to Hotch because nothing has truly changed yet, he just can’t stop Spencer in his tracks. 

Spencer truly has lucked out in his eyes- they’ve had a long case to deal with, and the team was out in the field for a few days. That only gave him more of an excuse not to eat. If anyone asked, he was too stressed or would rather get some sleep. He does feel bad in a way though; he’s been lashing out at Derek and denying the girls when they ask him to go out for dinner. There’s always an excuse: he’s too busy or tired, greasy or heavy food has been upsetting his stomach, and the same thing with eating early in the morning these days. Spencer felt like he wanted to cry when everyone went to Rossi’s house after they got back from the case for dinner. He wanted nothing more than to be with his friends. But he also knew that if he went, he would have no way of getting out of dinner, and Rossi’s calorie filled pastas were definitely not on his meal plan. He went home that night with the excuse of being exhausted and feeling a bit unwell, telling Derek to go ahead. He shouldn’t miss out just because Spencer is. Truthfully, Spencer isn’t sure how much longer this can go without it affecting his work life or friendships. He already gets tired quicker and feels weak most of the time. But no matter what, he can’t bring himself to stop. 

Today has luckily been a slow day. No big cases came up, so everyone is still in here. The day is just dragging on in Spencer’s eyes, and the cookies Garcia baked are absolutely taunting him. He focuses on his work though, sighing softly through the beginnings of a headache. He’s been getting those a lot lately. He misses Derek. It hasn’t been easy distancing himself, but Spencer knows that’s the only way his secret will stay safe. Maybe one night won’t make much of a difference. He walks over to Derek’s desk, tapping his arm gently. 

“Hey,” Derek hums, turning in his seat to face Spencer. “What’s wrong?”

“No- nothings wrong. I was wondering if you wanted to stay over tonight,” Spencer asks softly. “You haven’t in awhile and I miss you.”

Derek smiles, squeezing Spencer’s hand. “That sounds great. I’ve missed you too, babe.”

Spencer smiles softly, his heart aching. It’s his fault that they haven’t spent time together. Hopefully tonight, he can make it better.  
*  
They leave work together later, Derek following Spencer in his car. It feels good to be together, just the two of them. In his eyes, it’s been far too long. Spencer is feeling extra affectionate, kissing him every few minutes. When he’s not, he’s always touching Derek, a hand on his thigh or arm. It’s been too long for him too. 

“I need to shower,” Spencer sighs, laying his head on Derek’s chest. “You know where your drawer is. Can you just put my bag somewhere in the bedroom?”

“Sure thing, handsome,” Derek murmurs, kissing Spencer’s forehead. “Go relax, I’ll be here when you’re done.”

Spencer nods, smiling softly. “I love you,” he whispers. 

“I love you more,” Derek grins. 

Spencer smiles wider, squeezing his hand before going into the bathroom. Derek takes his bag, carefully tossing it on the bed while he changes. The bag is open though, and something slips out, the small little notebook. Derek is going to just put it back, but he realizes he’s never seen it before. Curiosity gets the best of him and he opens it up, frowning when he realizes what it is. He immediately pulls out is phone, calling the person he knows he needs to. 

“Morgan?”

“Hotch, something happened. Well, I found something. Spencer has this- this notebook where he counts the calories of everything he eats. This one has started in January of this year, but I don’t know if he has others. The most recent entry is... today. And most days, he eats less than 500 calories, if that. In the beginning it was closer to 700, but it just kept dropping.” Derek is clearly panicking, his hands shaking as he flips through the pages. 

“Morgan, listen to me. Keep it with you. Don’t let him know you have it but don’t give it to him. Come to work early tomorrow and we’ll have a meeting. The others might be able to help. Reid is not to attend this meeting. Don’t tell him you’re coming in early,” Hotch instructs. 

“Okay... okay. The others can help,” he nods, panting softly. “I have to go before he comes back. Thanks, Hotch.”

Derek hangs up, quickly stuffing the notebook in his own work bag and putting Spencer’s away. He changes and sits on the edge of the bed, trying to calm himself before his boyfriend comes back. Luckily, after a few deep breaths, he’s able to do so, just in time for Spencer to come in. 

“Hi,” Spencer smiles softly, sitting next to him. “It’s been a long day. Do you want to just watch a movie in here in case we fall asleep?”

“Sure,” Derek nods. “That sounds good.”

He knows Spencer isn’t going to like that he’s leaving early without saying anything, but it’s what has to be done. Even if he feels guilty now, hopefully it will help. He watches Spencer put on a movie and pull the covers back, beckoning Derek over. The curl up together under the blankets, and Derek tries not to think about how tomorrow might go. He just holds Spencer close and eventually falls asleep, dreaming of things he’d rather not see. 

It’s like his body knows to be up early tomorrow, waking up before his alarm even goes off. That’s good, because then the sound won’t wake Spencer. Derek just quietly slips out of bed and gets ready, kissing Spencer’s forehead apologetically before he leaves. He sees Garcia pull up as he does, and he waves. 

“Good morning,” she yawns, squeezing his arm. “Do you have any idea why we’re here so early?”

“Yes, actually,” Derek sighs. “You’ll find out. Let’s go.”

She frowns, but follows, now curious. They meet everyone else inside, and Hotch glances at Derek before starting. 

“Thank you all for coming in early. Please, let me finish before you ask anything and I would appreciate your full attention. Reid needs our help. Morgan and I believe he’s currently dealing with an eating disorder, anorexia it seems. He hasn’t told anyone, but it’s not hard to see if you really look. We need to be there for him. We will not ambush him with questions when he comes in, but we will support him. He needs help,” Hotch states. 

Derek pulls the notebook out of his bag, flipping through it. “I found this in his bag. He’s been counting calories every day for the last few months, and that’s only this year. He could’ve had others from last year. This one starts in January. He’s been eating roughly 500 calories a day, and that’s not healthy whatsoever. I don’t know what to do,” he frowns. “Just please keep an eye out for him? I don’t want him to hate me if I confront him, but this is serious.”

Everyone is silent for a moment, drinking in all the information they just heard. Garcia looks like she’s going to cry, JJ and Emily look shocked, and Rossi’s face is stony- Derek knows that means he’s upset. JJ breaks the silence, sitting up straighter. 

“He’s not going to be happy when he realizes that’s missing,” she muses, pointing at the notebook. 

“Right,” Hotch nods. “While mood swings and irritability are common during eating disorders, this will make him panic. He’ll hide the panic with anger, so don’t take it personally if he lashes out today.”

JJ nods softly, reaching out to hold Derek’s hand. “We’ll all watch him. I’ve noticed he doesn’t come with us for any function that involves dinner or eating with us, but I didn’t think much of it.”

“And he always has a reason not to eat in front of us,” Emily agrees. “He always says he just ate or he’s not hungry. I asked him to go to breakfast one day and he said eating before noon has been making him feel sick.”

“He’s on the tightest hole of his belt,” Rossi sighs. “How didn’t we notice?”

“No, no. Don’t blame yourselves. I didn’t notice until recently and I have no idea how long it’s been going on,” Derek murmurs. “I just want him to be okay.”

Everyone agrees, feeling horrible. They disband the meeting shortly, knowing Spencer will arrive soon. Derek knows Spencer won’t be happy with him for leaving early. That along with his missing journal, Spencer is practically a bomb waiting to go off. He feels better now that the team knows though, and hopefully Spencer will get the help he needs. The young agent arrives shortly, visible distress on his face. He heads straight to the coffee pot, not saying a word to anyone. Derek follows him, attempting to put a hand on his shoulder. 

“You could’ve told me you were leaving early,” Spencer snarls, elbowing Derek out of the way. “I thought something happened to you, or that maybe I was late. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Okay, okay, I know. I’m sorry,” Derek sighs. “Hotch asked me to come a little early to discuss something. He told me last night and I just forgot to mention it.”

“Discuss what?” Spencer huffs. 

“Nothing you need to worry about right now. It won’t happen again,” Derek promises. 

Spencer rolls his eyes, stalking to his desk. The others murmur a good morning, but aren’t offended when he doesn’t say it back. They were all expecting this. Spencer puts on an angry front, but they can see his nerves coming out. The way he tugs on his collar and rapidly taps his foot are all signs that he’s panicking. He needs his notebook. That’s how he has control. And he knows it’s always in his bag, so the first thought that came to mind is that he left it at work. Spencer tries to just focus on his work, but eventually has to go to the bathroom. He feels like he’s going to be sick. Spencer leans against the stall, bracing himself for it to come. But he hardly drank his coffee, and there’s nothing in his stomach to come up.  
*  
Another week goes by, and now that everyone knows, it’s like Spencer’s sunken in cheeks and skinny frame are even more evident. His clothes are baggy on him, and he’s had to poke another hole in his belt. Even the tightest one was too loose now. His friends have been trying to invite him places, but he always says no, and always has an excuse. It’s when Emily finds him alone one day that he really is cornered, and she’s not letting him out of it. 

“Hey,” she starts, subtly standing in front of the door. “Garcia, JJ, and I were gonna go out after work. Did you want to come?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your girls night,” Spencer smiles softly. Emily doesn’t buy it. 

“It’s really no big deal,” she insists. “They wanted me to ask. It’s just gonna be ice cream.”

Spencer feels his heart race and his legs shake. The latter might be from not eating a thing all day. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. Dairy has been giving me a hard time lately.”

“You know what I’ve noticed, Reid? Everything has. You said dairy gives you a hard time, but apparently so does eating too late or too early, or anything sweet like the cupcakes Garcia made, or anything remotely heavy for that matter. And those things are all perfectly normal, except for the fact that they’ve never bothered you in the past.”

“Is there something wrong with trying to be healthier?” He argues, wrapping his arms around himself. He feels dizzy. 

“You’re not healthy, Reid! You had to make an extra hole in your belt because you’ve lost so much weight. You’re underweight. Spencer, I know. I know you have an eating disorder. We want to help you,” Emily frowns. 

“We?” Spencer asks breathily, panicking a little. 

Emily winces, realizing that she let it slip that everyone knows. “Yes, Spencer, we. We all want you to be okay. If you just let us help you we can do that.”

Spencer starts to shout, or at least he thinks he is. He can’t tell if any words are actually getting out. He watches Emily’s face become worried, and his legs finally give out. He groans softly before closing his eyes, because at the moment, the darkness that comes over him is much more peaceful.  
*  
When Spencer wakes up again, he’s in a hospital bed. He can feel someone holding his hand, and when he slowly turns his head, he can see that it’s Derek, who is asleep in the chair next to him. Spencer moans softly, trying to get his hand free to take his IV out. He knows he needs it, but doesn’t want it. Derek wakes up from the movement, coming closer. 

“Hey, hey. You leave that in. You scared me,” Derek frowns. “Spencer, this has been going on for too long. You passed out today. They said you’re severely underweight.”

Spencer tears up, feeling ashamed. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, choking on a sob. 

“I just want you to be okay. I need to know that you’re okay,” Derek whispers, tearing up too. “You wouldn’t let anyone help you. That has to change.”

Spencer sniffles softly, feeling horrible. “I’m sorry,” he repeats, shaking his head. 

Before Derek can answer, someone knocks on the door. It opens slowly, revealing Emily. She’s surprised to see Spencer awake, smiling softly. 

“I talked to the doctor in case you two were still asleep,” she tells them. “I- he said Spencer will need to go through refeeding to get his stomach used to consuming a regular amount of food again. He said it would be the best if Spencer stayed in a treatment facility for at least a week.”

“No, no, no,” Spencer whimpers. “Derek, please. Don’t let me do treatment. I can’t, I don’t want to. I’ll listen to whatever you want me to do. Don’t make me stay here.”

Derek shares a look with Emily, standing up and walking over to her. “Do you think if we let him stay home, he’ll listen enough to actually get better? He needs to put in the work too and he can’t be trusted on his own yet.”

“We could help him...” Emily whispers. “All of us. Everyone’s in the waiting room. Speaking of that, Hotch wants to talk to you both. Not now, but later.”

Derek nods slowly, going back to Spencer. “Listen to me. You can do it from home, but you need to try. I will help you, we’ll all help you. But you can’t not try.”

Spencer nods quickly, letting out a soft sob. “I’ll try, I promise. I don’t want to be in a treatment center. I’ll be good, I swear.”

Derek sighs, taking his hand. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again. I love you too much to lose you.”

Spencer whimpers softly, feeling so guilty. “I promise. I’ll get better for you.”

Derek nods softly, kissing his cheek. Emily comes over to the side of the bed, rubbing Spencer’s arm. They don’t need to say anything. It’s quiet for a few moments, Spencer just trying to calm down. 

“The others are here. They want to see you. Are you up for that?” Emily asks gently.

“Yeah... I want to see them too,” Spencer whispers. 

No matter how ashamed he feels, he misses his friends more. Emily leaves to get them, and Spencer grips Derek’s hand tighter. Hotch comes in first, and he can see the others waiting in the hall. 

“I wanted to talk to you before the others came in. Spencer, what have you decided to do?” Hotch asks softly. 

“I’m gonna do things from home. I can’t stay in a hospital,” he sniffs. 

“Alright. The others made it clear that they want to help you get better in any way they can. We’ll talk more about that when they come in. Spencer, I want you to know I’m not upset with you. I’m upset with myself for not making it clear that you can always come to me for help. Before we are a team, we are a family. Your health and happiness is more important to me than work,” Hotch tells him, putting a hand on Spencer’s shoulder. 

The younger man can only nod tearily, turning to press his face into Hotch’s chest. He cries softly, feeling like he let everyone down. Hotch holds him, rubbing his back gently. They separate after a moment, and Spencer wipes his eyes. 

“You can let them come in,” he whispers, nodding to the door. 

Hotch stands up to open the door, and everyone files in slowly. Garcia goes straight to Spencer’s side, wrapping him in a gentle hug. JJ sits at the foot of his bed, rubbing his leg. Emily and Rossi stand by Morgan, watching Spencer. It’s quiet for a little while, no one really knowing what to say. 

“Alright, I guess now is a good time to tell everyone the plan. Reid, starting tomorrow you will have the next week off of work. You are not to return until next Monday. That’s seven days, the standard time it takes for the refeeding process to begin and start to work. Morgan, unfortunately I am not able to give you that amount of time off. I’m sorry. What I can do is give everyone in this room one day off. I’ve already discussed with the group and they’re okay with that. While Morgan is at work, JJ can stay with Spencer Monday, Garcia on Tuesday, and so forth. Morgan can stay with him the weekend and Spencer will return to work on Monday. If it’s okay with Spencer, you can all discuss the schedule you want to create.”

Spencer nods softly, taking it all in. “So Derek can’t be with me for the whole days. While he’s at work, someone else will stay with me until he gets off?”

Hotch nods, and Spencer continues. “I’m okay with that. As long as I don’t have to stay here.”

“We just want to help you,” JJ says gently. “We’ll all do whatever we have to to make things easier on you.”

“Thank you,” Spencer whispers. “When can I go home?”

“It’s Friday. The doctor wants to keep you at least tonight to run some more tests just to make sure there’s no other damage. He also wants you to stay on the IV just in case,” Emily explains. “Since it’s the weekend Derek can stay with you. On Monday, whoever’s turn it is will pick up then.”

“Okay,” Spencer sighs, still never letting go of Derek’s hand. “Will you guys come see me?”

“Of course we will!” Garcia laughs. “Who do you think we are?”

Spencer smiles at that, leaning into her a little. “I- I didn’t mean for this to get so out of hand. I know it won’t be easy, but I want to be better. I don’t want to go on like this anymore.”

“That’s all we need from you, Spencer,” Derek murmurs. “For you to try and actually want to get better.”

Everyone nods in agreement, murmuring soft things. They talk for awhile after that, the whole team staying until Spencer falls asleep. He’s exhausted. 

The weekend goes by quicker than he expected. He slept through a lot of it. Derek never left his side, and everyone came to visit at least once. According to the tests, Spencer has no other severe damage done from not eating, and he can go back home on Sunday. Derek takes him home, and decides to stay over that night. Neither of them needs to say anything to know that it’s what they both want. 

“I think we should write you up a meal plan. That way it’ll be less overwhelming since you’ll know what you’ll be eating. The doctor said to start with two meals a day and two snacks. JJ’s coming tomorrow,” Derek explains. 

Spencer nods, too tired to argue. He and Derek pull out an empty notebook, getting to work. They make sure to choose foods not only high in calories, but that Spencer likes too. That way it’ll be just a little bit easier. It’s a little overwhelming for Spencer, so he lets Derek do most of the work, only nodding and shaking his head when Derek suggests a food. They write it until Friday, knowing Derek will be there for the weekend. 

“You’ll be okay,” Derek says gently, rubbing his back. “We’ll get you healthy again.”

“I know... I’m just scared, I guess. I know I have to gain weight to be healthy and that’s what I’ve been doing the opposite of,” Spencer sighs. 

“We’ve all got you, baby. It’s gonna be alright,” Derek murmurs. “Just get some sleep.”

Spencer nods softly, curling into his chest. It takes a little while, but he falls asleep, holding on tight to Derek.  
*  
Monday- JJ 

He wakes up in the morning, freaking out for a moment when he realizes how late it is. It’s actually only 9, but he would already be in work by now on a normal day. He remembers what’s going on, frowning softly. 

“Morning,” JJ says softly from the doorway. “I wanted to let you sleep a little.”

“I’m awake,” Spencer whispers, sitting up a little. “I guess you got stuck with staying here first?”

“I didn’t get stuck with it. I offered to be here,” JJ murmurs, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I want to make sure you’re better.”

Spencer doesn’t know what to say, just sighing softly. They stay quiet for awhile, just a tiny bit of awkwardness between them. He still feels tired, and a little anxious because he knows he has to eat today. 

“The doctor said that if you were gonna do this from home, we needed all the proper information. We all read over and know how to help,” JJ offers. “Let’s have breakfast. Derek told me you guys made a notebook.”

Spencer nods softly, pulling it out of the nightstand drawer. He hands it to her, watching as she flips through it. JJ smiles, running a hand through his hair. 

“Alright... today we have cereal and fruit. You need lots of grains,” JJ hums. “I’ll let you choose if you want milk or not.”

He thinks for a moment before nodding, not caring for dry cereal that much. JJ smiles, squeezing his hand. She leaves to get it, coming back shortly with the bowl and a bottle of water. 

“Spence, it’s not gonna be easy. You’re going to feel full really fast,” JJ warns, helping him sit up. “Just try your best. It’s only the first day, we can do this.”

Spencer nods warily, taking the bowl with shaky hands. He takes a small bite, the cereal feeling odd in his stomach. He hasn’t had any in a long time. He’s able to take a few bites before his stomach sudden cramps up, and he gasps softly. JJ takes the bowl from him, putting it on the nightstand. 

“It’s alright, Spence. You’re doing really good,” she murmurs, stroking his hair. 

“It hurts, JJ,” Spencer breathes, pressing his hand into his belly. 

“Okay, lay on your back and stretch out,” JJ instructs. “It’ll feel better than curling up. Come on, you can do this.”

Spencer turns on his back, moaning softly. He stretches his arms over his head, biting his lip. After a few moments of staying in that position, the cramp eases up, and he’s able to breathe again. 

“I can’t do this,” Spencer whimpers, clutching JJ’s hand. “It hurts too much.”

“You can do it, sweetheart,” JJ promises, hugging him tight. “I know you can. You’re so strong. We’ll go slow. Try a few more bites for me.”

Spencer sighs, but eventually nods, sitting up once more. He takes a few more smaller bites, sipping the water in between. He’s able to get a little more down this time before he tries to curl up again, JJ’s gentle hands coaxing him on his back. They repeat the process until the small bowl of cereal is finished. For a healthy person, they would probably still be hungry after that. But for Spencer, it feels like way too much. JJ knows it’s important to start small- overwhelming him with food from the beginning will do more harm than good. 

“I’m so proud of you,” JJ whispers, cupping his cheek. 

“It was too much. It hurts, I’m gonna throw it up,” Spencer groans. 

“No you’re not. It’s all in your head. You know you can keep this down,” JJ promises. “What can I do?”

“Just stay with me. Please don’t go,” Spencer begs. 

“I’m not going anywhere,” she murmurs. 

They stay like that for awhile. Eventually they make it through the day, two small snacks and most of dinner down. This amount normally wouldn’t be seen as a lot, but it’s much better than Spencer was doing. JJ leaves when Derek comes back home, again telling Spencer how proud she is, and that tomorrow, he’ll do even better.  
*  
Tuesday- Emily 

Spencer wakes up in a bad mood on Tuesday. He’s awake early, so Derek hasn’t left for work yet, and he was up all night with cold sweats and a light fever. He whines and pleads for his boyfriend to stay, but Derek knows he has to go. 

“Emily will be here before I leave, don’t worry.” Derek tries to soothe Spencer, but it only agitates him more. 

Spencer groans loudly, huffing. “Whatever. Leave now for all I care.”

“Don’t be that way. You know I’d stay if I could,” Derek sighs. 

Spencer doesn’t answer, only tossing a throw pillow at him as he changes for work. There’s a knock on the door just as Derek is about to leave, Emily and coffee waiting on the other side. 

“I brought you a present,” she grins, handing him the hot cup. 

“Lord knows I need it,” Derek chuckles, shaking his head. “Just a warning, someone woke up extremely cranky and disagreeable today. Try your best to deal with him, and call me if you need to, Hotch if I can’t answer.”

“He’s nothing I can’t handle,” Emily promises. Her voice goes a little softer, and she takes Derek’s hand. “It’s gonna be okay. I’ve got him, don’t worry.”

Derek smiles softly, nodding. “Thanks, Em. I appreciate it a lot. I gotta go, I’ll call you at lunch.”

Emily nods, heading into their room. “Good morning, sunshine,” she calls. “I have coffee but only if you behave.”

“Leave me alone,” Spencer grumbles. “I’m not eating breakfast.”

“Yes you are. Today on the list we have... oh look at you, lucky boy. You get away with some toast, that’s it. If you be good like I said, this coffee has your name on it.”

“It technically has your name on it,” Spencer says after a moment, and Emily smiles. 

“Come in the living room, get a change of scenery,” she says softly, helping him up. 

Standing up makes him feel dizzy, and he halfheartedly points to the bathroom. “Emily,” Spencer groans. “Gonna be sick.”

She steers him in the right direction, poising him over the toilet right before he throws up. He whimpers miserably, and Emily just rubs his back. 

“I think- I just drank my water too fast,” he pants when he finishes. “Then stood up too quickly.”

“It’s okay,” Emily murmurs, rubbing his back. “Let’s change your shirt. The toast should help settle your stomach.”

Spencer lets Emily help him up and get changed, embarrassed, but knowing he’s too weak to do it on his own. It does feel nice to sit on the couch rather than in bed once they get there, and he stretches out a bit. Breakfast goes off without a hitch, plain toast being one of the things he was used to. Two slices was more than he’d usually have, but aside from feeling a bit too full, it’s not much of a problem. He drinks his coffee as Emily promised, and they settle down to watch a movie. 

Once the movie ends, it’s time for his first snack of the day. Emily laughs when she sees popcorn in the notebook, finding it appropriate since they’re watching dvds. They share the bowl and she doesn’t mention how Spencer ate much less than her, just happy he’s eating at all. Dinner goes a little less well than breakfast. Spencer starts to become argumentative again, refusing to have any sauce on his spaghetti. Emily sighs when he insists on having it plain, quickly mixing some butter in just for the extra calories. They eat at the table this time, and it’s noticeable how Spencer pushes his food around more than he eats it. 

“You have to eat, handsome,” Emily reminds, not looking at him. “I know you aren’t.”

“I am eating,” Spencer huffs, although both his hands are in his lap. 

“No, you aren’t. You’ve done so good today. Just dinner and then your smoothie when Derek gets home, and I know you actually like those. I know it’s hard, but right now you’re not trying,” Emily says softly, knowing she has to be a little firm with him. 

“Whatever. I’m an adult, you’re not in charge of me,” Spencer mumbles. 

“No, you’re right, I’m not. But I’m doing this because I’m your friend and so you don’t wind up in the hospital again,” Emily frowns. 

Spencer groans, reluctantly taking a bite. He eats slowly, the food filling his stomach far to fast for his liking. He gets up from the table when his plate is half empty without a word, going into his room and shutting the door. Emily sighs, giving him the space. She finishes her own before putting away his leftovers, figuring Derek will be hungry when he gets back. She does the dishes to waste some time before knocking on the bedroom door, walking in. She slowly climbs in bed next to Spencer, rubbing his back. 

“Do you want to be the little spoon?” Emily asks softly. 

Spencer just nods, relaxing when Emily curls around him. He lets out a soft sigh when she starts to rub his stomach, the low ache from dinner lessening. It doesn’t take long for them to fall asleep, bundled under the covers. That’s how Derek finds them when he gets home, smiling fondly to himself. Another day done, and Spencer is okay.  
*  
Wednesday- Hotch 

The next day is a bit better. Spencer sleeps a bit later and wakes up in a better mood, coming out into the living room on his own. 

“Hi, Hotch,” Spencer says softly, sitting next to him on the couch. 

“Good morning, Spencer. I was going to wake you soon,” Hotch nods, a small smile on his lips. “Today’s breakfast is pancakes. Jack loves when I make them so I hope you do too.”

Spencer smiles softly, nodding. “I’ll try,” he whispers, feeling vulnerable now that his boss is seeing him at his lowest. 

“That’s all I ask,” Hotch murmurs. “Sit, I’ll be right back.” 

Spencer waits on the couch, curling up under a blanket. Hotch comes back shortly, two plates in hand. Spencer grins when he sees several tiny pancakes on his plate instead of one or two big ones, and he doesn’t miss the pleased smile on Hotch’s face either. Spencer finds it easier to eat the small ones, able to finish. He’s not sure if it’s because it’s the third day of doing this, but it is getting a bit easier. 

“Do you want to talk about anything?” Hotch asks after they’re done, both of them noticing the silence in the room. 

“I feel bad that you all have to watch me. That I can’t be trusted on my own,” Spencer confesses after a moment. 

“We do trust you. You just need some help getting back on your feet. And don’t feel bad,” Hotch promises. “We all chose this. If we didn’t want to help, you’d be doing treatment in a hospital on your own. We wanted this.”

Spencer nods softly before continuing. “It’s hard and I’ve been getting frustrated with myself. Anyone else can do this no problem. For me it’s a struggle.”

“But you know why. You physically aren’t capable of eating a regular amount yet. Because you ate so little for so long, your stomach reduced it’s size. You’ll get back to where you need to be.”

They talk for awhile, and Spencer finds it easier to eat when there’s a distraction rather than silence. By the time Hotch leaves that night, it feels like a weight has been lifted off his chest. 

“Good day?” Derek asks, noticing that Spencer is acting lighter than normal. 

“Yeah,” he smiles softly, pressing close. “It’s been a good day.”  
*  
Thursday- Penelope 

By Thursday, Spencer is begging to leave the apartment. He convinces Derek to let him stay at Penelope’s house today rather than her coming over, and Spencer couldn’t be happier. It does mean he has to wake up early though, which he isn’t fond of. 

“I’m cold,” he complains, sitting on the edge of the bed as Derek gets dressed. 

He’s been cold a lot lately, much skinnier than normal. He’s been staying extra bundled up, sleeping under several blankets and practically living in sweaters. 

“I know, baby boy. I have clothes for you, come on,” Derek hums, helping him up. 

Spencer’s getting stronger everyday, but is still fairly weak. He gets cold and tired easily, sort of relying on everyone else. Derek helps him change into sweatpants and a hoodie, the younger man relaxing once he’s warm. 

“Thank you... I can’t wait for the weekend. I miss you a lot during the day,” Spencer murmurs.

“I know, baby. But you’ll have fun with Penelope today. She’ll try to make it the best for you,” Derek smiles softly. 

“Yeah,” Spencer sighs softly. “I’m trying. I’m trying for you.”

“And I’m so proud of you,” Derek promises, cupping his cheek and rubbing his side gently. “Two more days until the weekend. Then I’ll be with you. We’ve got to get going, sweetheart.”

Spencer follows him out to the car, Derek keeping an arm around his waist. He curls up in the passenger seat, jamming his hands in his pockets. He’s quiet on the ride to Penelope’s, already a little upset that Derek has to go to work. They arrive soon, and walk inside together. Penelope is already waiting for them, beckoning them in. 

“Good morning, lovely friends. I’m at your service,” she grins, helping Spencer get settled on the couch. 

“Thanks, princess. I’ll be back later, I’ve got to go,” Derek smiles. “Bye, Spencer. I love you.”

“Love you too,” Spencer sighs, curling up. 

Penelope knows he’s upset, and she wishes she could do more. She just sits next to him on the couch, rubbing his shoulder gently. 

“How’s it been?” She asks quietly. “You look good.”

“It’s been kind of hard. I miss Derek a lot,” Spencer frowns. “And it’s frustrating. I can hardly eat anything without making my stomach hurt. I hate this.”

“I’m sure you do, sweetie. I’m sorry,” Penelope whispers. “Is there anything I can do to make it easier?” 

Spencer shrugs, truly not knowing what will help. “I have no idea. I wish I never got myself into this at all.”

“Well, I’m gonna help you out of it. Because I know where you are in that beautiful mind of yours is scary. But you are not alone, Spencer Reid. We’re all right here with you,” Penelope promises. “Let’s see... today for breakfast is a smoothie! Perfect. You relax here, put whatever you want on tv, and I’ll be back.”

Spencer nods softly, curling up on the couch as he waits. He hears the blender in the kitchen, but doesn’t think much of it, just focusing on picking a thread on his shirt. Penelope comes back shortly, handing him the smoothie with a bright blue straw. 

“There you go, my dear. That might be easier since you’re technically drinking instead of eating,” she smiles, sitting with him. “Anything you need, let me know.”

Spencer hums softly in response, taking a sip. “It tastes good,” he whispers, laying his head on her shoulder. 

“Good!” She beams, wrapping an arm around his skinny waist. 

They watch the tv, quiet as he drinks. He’s able to finish it, though he feels rather uncomfortable when he does. He thinks of the stretches that he and JJ did on his first day, and wonders if it’ll help. 

“Do you mind if I lay across the couch? JJ says it’ll help when my stomach hurts,” Spencer asks quietly. “She said stretching out will feel better than curling up.”

“Of course you can, honey. The doctor told us about that when he said we could do this from home. Stretching both relieves the pain and eases digestion,” she smiles, helping him lay down on his back. 

Penelope strokes Spencer’s hair as he lays, hoping to give him some sort of comfort. He doesn’t fall asleep, surprising to them both. The past few days, it’s been common for him to sleep after eating. 

“It’s really colorful here. It’s very... you,” Spencer smiles softly. 

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Penelope chuckles fondly. 

“Definitely,” Spencer nods. “Bright and colorful is a great thing to be.”

“Oh, Spencer Reid, you know the way to my heart,” she smiles, her heart swelling when she gets him to smile back. “I love when you’re happy. We all love you and just want you to be happy.”

“I’m trying,” Spencer whispers softly. “I want to get better... I don’t know what happened. After Tobias Hankel, I felt like I wasn’t worth anything. Then I just stopped eating, and I became obsessed with losing more and more weight. Logically, I knew it wasn’t healthy, but I just couldn’t stop. And now I’m here. What upsets me the most is that I know I hurt you guys too.”

“None of that,” she frowns. “We’re sad because you were struggling alone. I wish- we all wish we could’ve helped before it got to this point. But rather than focusing on the past, we have to remember that we’re here now and you’re going to be just fine.”

“I want to be,” Spencer murmurs. “I’m trying my best.”

“I know. And I’m very proud of you,” Penelope smiles. 

“Thank you...”

Those little encouragements make Spencer feel better, and he’s able to relax a bit. The rest of the day goes by well, Penelope making him laugh to distract from any pain and holding him close when it’s too much to ignore. Everyday is a little better.  
*  
Friday- Rossi 

“Congratulations, Reid. You’ve made it to level 5 of your recovery, the Rossi mansion.”

Spencer laughs softly at the older mans joke, coming inside. He and Derek both agreed that getting out of the house was good for him, so that’s how he wound up here, at the Rossi mansion. 

“So talk to me, Spencer. How have you been? Do you need anything?” Rossi asks. 

“I think I’m doing okay. Derek says I’m making progress, even though I don’t really see it. I guess everyday is a little bit easier,” Spencer sighs. “I’m okay though. It’s painful sometimes, but that’s to be expected. The goal is to get used to eating a regular amount again, after all.”

Rossi looks a little sad at that, but makes sure it doesn’t show for long. “Any progress is good, no matter how big or small. We’re all here for you.”

“Thank you, Rossi,” Spencer says softly. “So... what do you do for fun in the famous Rossi mansion?”

Any awkwardness immediately lessens after that, and Rossi begins talking about what he does on his time off. He makes Spencer eat breakfast before the tour, explaining that it will give him something else to focus on. The day goes by quickly, Spencer happily listening to stories that Rossi has to tell. From vacations to cases he hadn’t previously shared, Spencer hung onto his every word. Rossi was right- it’s much easier to eat when it’s not the main thing he’s focusing on. He’s always aware of it, but distractions always help. It’s evening before he knows it, and Rossi is looking through his notebook. 

“What do you say we go off your plan just a little?” Rossi suggests. “You haven’t come here for dinner in awhile. I’ll make your favorite.”

Spencer thinks it over, not sure. He loves Rossi’s cooking, but the idea of something so heavy is already making him nervous. Rossi can see the slight panic in Spencer’s eyes, and puts a hand on his back. 

“Let’s just try. You can stop as soon as you feel like you need to,” he promises. 

Spencer nods slowly, following him to the kitchen without a word. Rossi smiles at him, thinking about when he and Spencer first met. He caught the young agent watching as he cooked, and since then, Spencer always watches when he’s around. As smart as he is, he’s not the best cook himself, and watching Rossi has always fascinated him. He sits up on the counter, his usual spot, and watches. Spencer stays quiet, knowing Rossi tends to explain things step by step. As scary as eating has seemed lately, the familiarity of being here with him calms Spencer. 

“Alright, your rigatoni is served,” Rossi announces, putting on the table. “Eat what you can, don’t stress over it.”

Spencer nods softly, hopping off the counter and sitting down. It smells amazing, and for the first time in awhile, he wants to eat. He starts off slow, knowing that going fast will only make him sick. He gets a decent amount down before pausing, sighing heavily. 

“I want to... I just can’t,” Spencer frowns, already feeling too full. 

“You did though, Spencer. You did great,” Rossi promises. “Why don’t we take a little break? If you want to try more in a bit, we’ll go from there.”

Spencer still feels disappointed, but supposes Rossi is right. The pasta was heavier than what he’s been having, and the amount he had is enough to make Rossi proud. The two sit on the couch together, watching an old mafia movie from the 60s. Spencer relaxes a little, eventually feeling less achy and more normal. 

“I think I can try and finish,” he says softly, glancing at Rossi. 

“Sure,” the older man nods, getting up. 

He brings Spencer’s bowl to him, and Spencer quietly resumes. It was a small portion in the first place, and with some of it already gone, he’s determined to finish. Spencer starts to feel full by the time the bowl is almost empty, but he pushes himself to finish the last little bit. His breath catches in his throat once he’s finished, feeling fuller than he has all week. Rossi glances at him, taking his dish to the sink without a word and bringing him back a glass of water. Spencer takes a small sip, curling an arm around himself. He feels bloated and heavy, not wanting to even look at himself. But still, deep down, he knows this is a small victory. He doesn’t want to seem needy, although Rossi would do anything to help him. Spencer just sips his water, one arm wrapped around his middle. Eventually, he slumps against Rossi, laying his head on his shoulder. Rossi wraps an arm around his shoulders, letting Spencer just relax. After some time, Spencer falls asleep, feeling like all of his energy is going into digestion. That’s how Derek finds him a little while later, quietly letting himself in upon Rossi’s request. 

“How was today?” He whispers, not wanting to wake Spencer just yet. 

“Very good,” Rossi nods. “You should be proud of him.”

“I am,” Derek nods, smiling softly. He’s very proud.  
*  
Spencer doesn’t remember much of leaving Rossi’s, waking up in his own bed. He’s confused at first, but wakes up more when he realizes Derek must be home, mumbling incoherently as he tries to find his voice. Derek comes in soon, easing Spencer back down. 

“I’m right here, lay down,” Derek soothes, rubbing his shoulder. 

“You’re home,” Spencer murmurs. “When did we get back?”

“Not too long ago,” Derek smiles. “I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Spencer nods softly, rubbing his eyes and sitting up a bit more. “What is it?” He whispers. 

“Alright... I need you to not freak out, because you tend to do that,” Derek smiles fondly. “It’s nothing bad. Just- everything that’s happened lately made me realize a few things. If I’d been with you more, I would’ve noticed. And I love you too much to lose you. So, what do you think about finally moving in together? I can come here if that’s better or you can move in with me. Or we can get a new place that’s really our own. Just- whatever you want.”

Spencer listens, his facial expressions changing as Derek talks. “I think that’s a great idea,” he whispers. “I don’t want to be apart from you at all. And I don’t want you to blame yourself. But yeah, I’d love to move in together.”

Derek smiles widely, laying next to Spencer and wrapping him in a gentle hug. “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” Spencer whispers, squeezing him a little. “Things are getting better.”

“You’re right. You’ve made it through almost a full week, that’s the worst of it that’s over. I’m so proud of you.”

Spencer nods softly, feeling suddenly emotional. He doesn’t say anything, but there’s nothing that needs to be said. They both already know.  
*  
One month later, Spencer is even better. He’s gained weight, and while that scared him at first, he’s realized it’s something to be proud of. He gets closer to reaching a healthy weight everyday, and eating isn’t nearly as big a struggle as it used to be. He still has bad days- that’s to be expected. But Derek always reminds him how far he’s come, and how loved he really is. 

Today is a special day. Their friends are currently helping them move into their new apartment, and everyone is in a good mood. Derek and Spencer are excited to finally have a place to call theirs, and the others are happy to see them thrive. Everyone is so proud of Spencer. A month ago, they weren’t sure where they’d all be now. But Spencer trusted them all. And now he’s here.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my longest fic lol


End file.
